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Facebook friending your new boyfriend or girlfriend on Facebook can be a touchy subject.
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Facebook friending your new boyfriend or girlfriend on Facebook can be a touchy subject.

Santa Monica, Columnist, Dating

The Dating Report: Facebook Friending

Anthea Kerou, Columnist
Santa Monica Mirror Archives
Anthea Kerou, Columnist

Posted Jul. 25, 2013, 8:50 am

Anthea Kerou / Dating Columnist

Dear Anthea,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months and he won’t ‘Friend’ me on Facebook! I had explained to him that it’s time for us to take this next step and show the world we are a couple. Shouldn’t he be proud of me and our relationship? Is he hiding something? We are in a committed exclusive relationship so I don’t see why he would want to keep Facebook separate from me. Should I be worried? I’m so confused! – Alexis, 31

Hi Alexis,

I see the confusion. You started seeing this amazing guy. Things are getting serious, intense, emotional, intimate. There’s one pink elephant in the room – he won’t connect with you on Facebook.

Why? You might automatically jump to the conclusion that he’s some cheating, lying, double-life-leading player, but that may not necessarily be the case.

In the midst of your real life relationship with a man you also have your parallel social media relationship forming.

This is a delicate unfolding and combining of both your online and offline lives.

But some men are not willing to make this huge life changing commitment – to become Facebook friends.

Let’s talk about some common reasons he doesn’t want to be your ‘friend’ in the Facebook arena.

He Had A Bad Experience

His ex is cray cray and stalked the last girl he dated. She’s still trying to contact his friends and family members holding on to any shred of connection to him.

This scared the bejesus out of him and makes him want to save himself and you the trouble.

He Sees No Value

Men are motivated by the value in doing something. It’s possible he has no idea how much this official Facebook connection means to you. He doesn’t want the ‘whole world’ knowing his business.

Men are driven by instinct which tells them to make plans and then protect the plan from being found out. Letting it all out on Facebook will feel vulnerable and risky.

Tell him the benefits this would provide for you: a deeper connection to him, more intimacy, a feeling of safety and security for you. Then he might jump at that chance to make you happy.

He Is A Facebook Flirt

This could be harmless, or not. Since you aren’t his friend you’ll never know. Some men like the illusion of freedom that Facebook provides. Even if he is officially in a relationship with you, he can still do some harmless flirting via the web and have no guilt or consequences.

Do you get jealous easily? If he sees you as a loose cannon who tends to get irrational, then he won’t give you access to this private part of his life.

He fears you will misunderstand everything and cause fights even if he isn’t acting inappropriately.

Ask yourself – how would you handle it if a girl posted on his wall? Can he trust you to be mature?

He Doesn’t See You Two Lasting

You knew every reason wouldn’t be all roses, so here are the negative things to consider. If he doesn’t think your relationship has a future he will avoid having unnecessary connections with you. It makes the inevitable separation a lot less messy and easier on him.

He Is Seeing Someone Else

Here it is. The reason you were most worried about. It is definitely a possibility, and the reason why most women would be wary of a man who refuses to be open to connecting. It makes you wonder, what the heck is he hiding anyway? If we are in a committed monogamous relationship leading towards marriage, why wouldn’t he want the world to know. Is he ashamed of me? This type of doubt will only breed insecurity and ruin the relationship.

You have to trust your gut. Perhaps it’s too early in the relationship to go Facebook public, or perhaps your relationship is headed for disaster.

There is no way to know for sure, you will have to trust your instincts and intuition. Close your eyes and do a deep breathing meditation and ask yourself how you feel about being excluded in this way.

If you have anxiety or mistrust there might be a very good reason. Your emotions can be your guides to do what is best for you.

Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.

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Comments

Jul. 25, 2013, 11:27:44 am

Gil said...

To the girl who is asking this question, as a Man, Facebook has been a NIGHTMARE in my life. Whether it be family (the BIGGEST Culpits), friends (Now enemies), actual enemies in the community or workplace looking to tarnish your name and reputation, and etc. There are a number of reasons why even Friends and even FAMILY member aren't friend requesting each other. I have had the long time harsh experience of friends, acquaintances, and others INTIMIDATING ME, BULLYING ME and some even trying to subtly BLACK MAIL ME, to press "like" their pictures and comments or posts! I have had people get furious with me for not "liking" their pictures and etc. Facebook has been a terrible experience for me personally. But, for connections with friends around the world and in america, I still use it on a daily basis. As for relationships, my friends have had nightmare experiences with dating a girl and she goes nuts against him, in trying to take revenge against the poor guy for just breaking up with her,...this has happened a number of times to friends, both male and female!!! And, they have access to your family, and these "coo-coo" "fatal attraction" people, try befriending my friends families, friends, co-workers, peers, bothering them, intimidating them. I had one friend who had to threaten a girl with a lawyer to leave my friend alone, and it happened to a women I have known since childhood with a guy who did the same thing. My advice....KEEP...FACEBOOK...OUT OF...YOUR....RELATIONSHIPS...PERIOD! Regardless of the relationship.

Jul. 25, 2013, 9:16:40 am

Erik said...

Wow. Speculating and jumping to conclusions is MUCH better then simply having an honest conversation with your bf. Maybe you just obsess over trivial things and he finds you pretentious and fake.

Jul. 25, 2013, 6:21:10 pm

Amanda said...

Red Flag! He definitely has something to hide.

Jul. 26, 2013, 7:31:18 am

Carabina said...

Yes this is such a red flag! Thank you Anthea for the sound advice! I agree, if a man doesn't want to add you on Facebook it is definitely not a good sign! Gil, I love how you describe exactly what Anthea says in the article as her first reason! Lol. Psychos! Hey here's a clue, if you think your gf might be psycho, maybe you shouldn't be her bf yet? Since the person who asked the question had already talked to her bf about this, seems like she is doing the right thing by seeking professional advise on how/if to move forward. If a guy can't add you on Facebook and you've been w him for seven months, guess what, you're not dating a man, you're dating a boy. Are you serious about you're relationship of just want something casual? Thanks Anthea for the brilliant advice! It was very helpful to remember to keep this in mind while dating.

Jul. 26, 2013, 8:00:36 am

DJ said...

Watch the movie "He's Just Not That Into You."

Jul. 28, 2013, 12:37:06 pm

Sheri said...

Communication: these are the types of things you should be discussing with a boyfriend/girlfriend to be. But it's important to do it without accusing or making the other person feel bad or wrong. Accountable conversations and going in with curiosity as to their points of view are keys to true communication.

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