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Whole Foods to Finally Become Restricted Country Club.

News, April Fools

Whole Foods to Finally Become Restricted Country Club

Posted Apr. 1, 2016, 10:42 am

Saying that the move was inevitable based on its pricing and specific appeal, all Whole Foods stores will now become Restricted Country Clubs featuring 18 holes of golf, tennis courts, bars serving $22 mixed drinks, and a cigar smoking lounge.

Gluten-Free bakery to add flavor.

News, April Fools

Gluten-Free Bakery to Add Flavor

Posted Apr. 1, 2016, 10:42 am

Blandie’s Gluten-Free Bakery on Main Street has announced a revision of their inventory that will now allow for some baked goods to have flavor and some kind of taste.

City Council Spends Entire Night Debating Smart Water.

News, April Fools

City Council Spends Entire Night Debating Smart Water

Posted Apr. 1, 2016, 10:40 am

Spurred by insistence on the part of several council members that certain water was “just plain smarter” than other bottled waters, the Santa Monica City Council spent an entire meeting ferociously debating the merits of Smart Water.

Trump Buys Catalina Island; Will Become White House West.

News, April Fools

Trump Buys Catalina Island; Will Become White House West

Posted Apr. 1, 2016, 10:35 am

Front-runner for the Republican Presidential nomination Donald Trump has announced he has purchased Catalina Island so that he can “clean the dump up” and make it a “White House-West fun getaway for me and my friends.

48 Screen Enormoplex Movie Theater to Break Ground.

News, April Fools

48 Screen Enormoplex Movie Theater to Break Ground

Posted Apr. 1, 2016, 10:34 am

National General Multiple Theaters has announced it will soon break ground on Santa Monica’s first 48 screen Enormoplex movie theater. Referred to by industry insiders as “The Flickinator,” new technology will allow the 48 screen venue to show comic book franchise movies as they are being shot and produced. “All the waiting for another loud movie with cartoon people in it is over!” stated

New Gelson’s will feature Drive-Through Salad Bazooka

News, April Fools

New Gelson's will Feature Drive-Through Salad Bazooka

Posted Apr. 1, 2016, 10:32 am

Making good on a promise to give Santa Monica shoppers “time-saving help” in taking care of their grocery needs, the new Gelson’s will build a drive-through salad bazooka that blows a varied mix of lettuce, greens, and kale from a huge canon aimed at the open passenger side window of customer’s vehicles.

A rendering of the 360º loop unveiled for the end of the Expo Line extension to Santa Monica.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Expo Line To End In Santa Monica With 360° Loop

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:23 am

Noting that some of the excitement over the Expo Line coming to Santa Monica has receded as construction and related street closings continue, officials today announced that the rail line will conclude in a thrilling 360 degree “Super Loop” just before the train pulls into our city’s station.

Hair dryers will be installed at all Big Blue Bus stops.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Santa Monica Bus Stop Improvements To Include Hair Dryers

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:22 am

The re-do of the controversial new Santa Monica Bus Stops will include the installation of hair dryers at most stops. The move by city planners came following testimony in open meetings that most passengers using buses to get to work never have time to fully dry their just-washed hair and that the city could make time spent waiting at stops more productive for bus line customers.

Santa Monica City Council meetings are set to include exotic pets.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Santa Monica City Council Meetings To Include Exotic Pets

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:20 am

Impressed with the abilities of Rocky the Fortune Telling Parrot to analyze projected costs of proposed city projects, the Santa Monica City Council has voted to include exotic animals at all Council meetings.

Uber and Lyft drivers have announced they are finally giving up for a new venture: selling drugs.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Uber/Lyft Drivers Give Up, Sell Drugs

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:17 am

Citing pending litigation and “one hassle after another” involving the integration of their car services with the taxi industry, a group of local drivers for Uber and Lyft have banded together to sell and distribute drugs.

CNN anchor Nancy Grace declared her “Jenner Watch” over after 43 hours of continuous reporting.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Paparazzi Catch Bruce Jenner Doing Nothing For Two Days

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:15 am

Media attention is still focused on last week’s release of startling paparazzi videos that caught Bruce Jenner doing nothing for two entire days in his home. Public concern ratcheted-up when CBS’ “60 Minutes” aired the footage, showing a lounging Jenner watching TV and solving Sudoku puzzles that had nothing to do with either his mischievous step-daughters or his planned sex change.

Richard Linklater.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Director Linklater To Film "Shirt Boyhood" In Santa Monica

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:12 am

Film director Richard Linklater has announced he will produce a new documentary film that follows three middle-aged Santa Monica men as they continue to wear the same “Thin Lizzie” and “Rush” t-shirts over the course of 20 years.

President Barack Obama.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Obama To Alleviate Traffic On Motorcycle

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:10 am

President Obama, taking heat for all the traffic congestion created when he appears in Los Angeles, has vowed to ride a Harley Davidson Fat Bob motorcycle and weave through traffic on all subsequent visits to LA.

A Marina del Rey man walked away from a golf buggy crash landing at Santa Monica Airport over the weekend.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Runaway Golf Cart Crashes At Santa Monica Airport

Posted Apr. 1, 2015, 9:02 am

A runaway golf cart from Penmar Golf Course crash-landed safely at Santa Monica Airport during the course’s annual “X Games of Golf” over the weekend. The driver, Jack Par of Marina del Rey, walked away from the accident declaring his safe landing “very ‘Fore!’-tunate.”

The giant reproduction of a Nexium capsule will be all metal and bear the compelling purple paint with three gold stripes that has become synonymous with acid reflux relief.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Tongva Park Gets Funds & Attraction

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:15 am

Santa Monica will receive some generous funding for public spaces and Tongva Park will add a new climbing and sliding attraction for “kids of all ages” according to officials who have struck a deal with pharmaceutical manufacturer AstraZeneca.

Residents with weight-challenged neighbors living directly overhead made assumptions during the recent late-night quake.

Santa Monica, April Fools

47% Of Santa Monica Residents Believe Earthquake Was Obese Neighbor

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:13 am

A survey by The Mirror indicates that 47 percent of Santa Monica residents didn’t even bother to get out of bed during the recent 4.4 earthquake because they believed the shaker was caused by a heavy-set man or woman living in the apartment just above them.

Three Santa Monica Starbucks outlets will now feature female servers in “fitness-forward” outfits echoing their Mermaid logo art.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Starbucks "Evening" Adds Mermaid Servers To Santa Monica Outlets

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:11 am

Following the introduction of wine and beer “Evenings” offerings at 26 of its outlets nationwide, coffee giant Starbucks has announced that three of its Santa Monica outlets will now feature female servers in “fitness-forward” outfits echoing their Mermaid logo art.

Santa Monica, April Fools

The Santa Monica Mirror Adds New "Not Appearing" Listing Feature

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:09 am

The Santa Monica Mirror will soon add a new regular feature that lists the names of celebrities who will not be appearing at benefit events for local schools.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Emotions Run High On KCRW Personal Ads

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:08 am

Only two months old, the new “personal ad” service being offered by KCRW FM public radio has involved numerous emotional outbursts and instigated at least three divorces resulting from recorded personal ads placed by listeners.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Apple Store To Add "White Stuff Eats" Deli At Third Street Promenade Location

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:05 am

The Apple Store has announced plans for adding a deli to its large store on the Third Street Promenade. According to corporate sources, the food counter will be called “White Stuff Eats” and feature only food items that are the same shade of white as Apple’s popular personal electronics.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Solar Roller Coaster Strands 23 At Santa Monica Pier

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 9:03 am

Clouds gathered over the viability of the new solar-powered roller coaster ride “Sun Twister” at the Santa Monica Pier, when a sudden change in weather stranded 23 passengers at the highest point on the ride.

Santa Monica Airport will be renamed the Great Park of Marijuana after the City Council approved its 'Up In SMOke plan.'

Santa Monica, April Fools

Santa Monica Airport To Be Converted Into Great Park For Marijuana

Posted Apr. 1, 2014, 8:54 am

Santa Monica Airport (SMO) has always been a place to get elevated. By the end of 2015, people won’t have to ride an aircraft to arrive in the clouds. Instead, anyone visiting the airfield next year will only have to bring a piece of paper and a lighter as SMO will be converted into the Great Park of Marijuana.

“Mom’s Recipe” Food Trucks To Sell Guilt Beer.

Santa Monica, April Fools

“Mom’s Recipe” Food Trucks 
To Sell Guilt Beer

Posted Apr. 1, 2013, 9:30 am

The popular food trucks known as “Mom’s Recipe” that have for years provided home-made “comfort food” to thousands of hungry Santa Monica eaters – many of them under siege by trendy restaurants and healthful dietary fads – has announced they will now also offer “Guilt,” a new high alcohol beer being test marketed in Southern California.

Expo Line Gets Approval For Super Fancy Club Cars.

Santa Monica, April Fools

Expo Line Gets Approval For Super Fancy Club Cars

Posted Apr. 1, 2013, 9:28 am

When the new Expo Line finally reaches Santa Monica from downtown LA there may be difficulty loading the trains but there won’t be a problem getting loaded.

Big Blue Trailers Coming!

Santa Monica, April Fools

Big Blue Bus To Begin Utilizing Trailers

Posted Apr. 1, 2013, 9:27 am

Santa Monica Big Blue Bus authorities have announced that in order to deal with recent spikes in passenger numbers they will begin utilizing Big Blue Trailers, a trailer with seats pulled behind a Big Blue Bus that, despite its somewhat inexpensive design, will provide “a comfortable open-air ride for our customers.”

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