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Letters to the Editor: Send Curmudgeons to War: Send Curmudgeons to War

Malibuites have come to feel the same when “Our Country” is at war as when a baby gets hold of a hammer. The 8:00 a.m. Lilly’s Coffee Group have been chatting about numerous opinions expressed in The Malibu Times over the last year, with reference to the USA’s overseas involvement, and have decided that what should happen is Kaliteli adult porno siteniz. that this country should send curmudgeons to protect our country.

If they could, as I recall the conversations, the coffee group curmudgeons would enlist today and help our country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, they are mostly over 70 now and the Armed Forces say they’re too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 35 to join the armed forces. Our government has the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take curmudgeons. You shouldn’t be able to join the Armed Services until you’re at least 35.

For starters, they say 18-year- olds think about the other sex every 10 seconds. Curmudgeons only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving them more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young kids haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a bad-tempered soldier is a dangerous soldier. If curmudgeons can’t kill the enemy they’ll complain them into submission. “My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!” “What no color TV!”

An 18-year-old hasn’t had a legal beer and you shouldn’t go to war until you’re at least old enough to legally drink. An average curmudgeon on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he is 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for a curmudgeon’s beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn’t like to get up before 10 a.m. A curmudgeon gets up early every morning to use the bathroom. If a curmudgeon were captured, he couldn’t spill the beans because he’d probably forget where he put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would actually be painless for curmudgeons. They’ve been married and they are used to getting screamed at. They even have learned to like soft food. The Armed Services could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Some of the coffee group has been in combat and they swear they didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did they ever do any pushups after completing basic training. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He is still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing. He hasn’t figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let the coffee curmudgeons track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our country and our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see is a couple of million American curmudgeons with attitudes.

And that is all I have to say (sure).

Tom Fakehany, Malibu

in Opinion
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