(Note: The following is a fictive parody of opinion media. As creative parody, it cites actual events and real persons as a means of revealing the sharper, darker comedy often found in real opinion media. While we’re on it, did you know that FOX News is—ah, never mind.)
He’s out there again, fighting the good fight. Tom DeLay (R-Texas… ‘nuff said?), energized by the response to his recent remarks on Teri Schiavo’s case, has stepped into the fray on the use of human fingers in Wendy’s chili.
Last week a woman dining at a Wendy’s in San Jose bit into part of a human finger while eating a bowl of chili. At the time of this writing, investigators were still trying to determine the source of the finger. After the incident, workers at the Wendy’s were immediately checked and questioned by restaurant managers and authorities. Denny Lynch, a spokesman for the Ohio-based restaurant chain stated: “None of the employees that worked that day had any missing fingers. We have found no evidence to lead us to believe that we are the source of this object.”
“Object”? You start to get the idea. It was part of a living being, then it became an ingredient, and now it’s just an object.
But Tom DeLay would have none of it. He took time off from his busy schedule of ethics conflict charges, money laundering charges, and arranging to fire people like the chairman of the House Ethics Committee for admonishing him for his strong-arm political tactics… he let all that slide so he could get in there and fight for life.
In comments made at a Republican costume party fundraiser with the theme “Turn Back the Hands of Time,” DeLay, dressed as himself, said, “That finger is a gift from God to remind us that there are Americans who would be so barbaric as to take a living finger and kill it by using it as a chili additive.” A reporter shouted that DeLay might have misunderstood that the Wendy’s chili incident was “an accident.” But Fightin’ Tommy would have none of it.
“The other side has figured out how to defeat the Conservative movement, by going after people personally and putting their fingers, literally, into their business,” DeLay intoned. “First it’s trumped up ethics charges, then it’s lunch. If they will stoop to taking away the life of a living, functioning finger just to point it at someone like me…” Here, DeLay’s voice cracked with emotion, and he was offered a hot towel.
A reporter asked DeLay to please clarify the connection between a human finger found in a bowl of chili, and his legal problems with three separate ethics incidents, new charges of foreign trips funded by outside groups, and an investigation of illegal fundraising that has so far resulted in indictments against three of DeLay’s top associates.
“Come on!” an irritated DeLay fired back. “I’m a supporter of life. Life, that’s everything that’s living. First they want to make finger chili, then they want to cast aspersions on me. Well, I’m living. I’m a living thing. Look at my huge mouth, it’s moving. I’m conscious, within a limited definition of that word. Today we’ve lost a finger. But tomorrow, they may try to yank my food tube. Then how will I get chili, assuming that I want any…?”
“Life” added DeLay, “is what you make of it.” He then listed recent activities in his life including driving through Congress a piece of legislation that subverted federalism, shredded the separation of powers and showed absolutely no respect for the privacy of medical decisions. “I want to elevate the visibility of what’s going on in America,” DeLay said. “And when it comes to life, the left wing conspiracy better not try to give me the finger.”
This Week’s “Know Your News” Quiz
1) Pakistan may have illegally purchased
(a) nuclear weapon components.
(b) fireworks in South Dakota.
(c) ammo at Wal-Mart.
2) Kyrgyzstan had social unrest over
(a) the Schiavo case.
(b) a change in government.
(c) typos in spelling Kyrgyzstan.
3) Bush called Red Lake, Minn. with condolences
(a) four days after the shooting.
(b) after golf and fishing.
(c) after figuring out his new phone.
1) (a) “But we have no Radio Shack…”
2) (b) “But we have no Clintons…”3) (a) “But I didn’t have the number…”