February 24, 2024 Breaking News, Latest News, and Videos

And now, the good news…:

It was inevitable that the coverage of Katrina’s damage would eventually find a way to ease on over to something positive about cats or puppies or… you beat me to it: Dolphins.

Last week, two bottlenose dolphins were rescued from the Gulf of Mexico and placed in a hotel swimming pool after having been swept from their aquarium “home” by the hurricane.

The dolphins, Jackie and Toni, had no comment for the media on whether they preferred the open waters to confinement for human entertainment. You can’t tell with dolphins; that subtle smile of theirs could mean anything. Maybe they’re happy, or maybe they’re smirking at how they got away for a few days. Or maybe the hotel pool chlorine is stinging their lips.

Still, the story signaled that things were getting a little lighter in America’s news diet. And while I have no happy captive dolphins in these other real news stories, they might lift your spirits all the same.

World Saved From Diaz Boobs

A photographer was sentenced to prison for trying to extort money from actress Cameron Diaz by threatening to go global with nude photos that he had taken of Diaz when she was 19 years old and unknown. The photographer (I won’t mention his name, but if you want to hire him, call me…) thought Diaz would give him $3 million dollars to keep the world from seeing her naked. Which, I believe, is way less money than Diaz gets for appearing partially dressed in most of her films. However, the important precedent of who-pays-who-for-who’s boobs has been upheld.

Governator Terminates Junk

Last Thursday Arnold “One Term-inator” Schwarzenegger signed bills that will eliminate the most fattening, sugary foods from public schools. Some might think, “Well, what are those kids going to eat, their books?!” Don’t worry. Thanks to Arnold a lot of California school children don’t have books to eat. The bills ban the sale of sodas in high schools and set fat, sugar and calorie standards. No word yet on standards for muscle building supplements or for levels of distracting news stories that pull focus away from poor leadership.

AOL, MSN Become One Giant Thing

Reports indicated that AOL and MSN might join forces in an effort to compete with Google and Yahoo. The world’s biggest media company would meld its services with the world’s biggest software company and America would get another gigantic integrated monster corporation. Off the record, company officials talked of some exciting possibilities, including high-speed access to movie advertising and show biz gossip. Also, e-mails with kooky pictures of Bush and hilarious “You Know You’re Getting Older If…” lists would travel around the planet like lightning while funny short videos of people getting hit in the groin with various objects would now download quicker.

Teens Have Different Sex

The National Center for Health Statistics released a new study reporting that teenagers are having more oral sex and more homosexual experiences, indicating a shift in sexual practices in which females are using oral and lesbian sex as a safer alternative to (vaginal) sex with men. There was some rejoicing that messages about HIV and pregnancy might be getting through to teen women. As for male teens, many of them responded to the news by turning up their car music speakers.

This Week’s “Know Your News” Quiz

1) Bush spoke to the nationregarding:

(a) hard work and work that’s hard.

(b) tough days and days that are tough.

(c) rebuilding the Gulf Coast.

2) U.S. officials say Zarqawi is:

(a) drawing Iraqis into his fold.

(b) improving camp food.

(c) promising basic cable.

3) John Roberts convinced many that he:

(a) will not be radical.

(b) could sell wool to sheep.

(c) can tap dance like a mother.

Answer Key

1) (c) “We’ll need wood and stuff…”

2) (a) “Everybody gets a t-shirt…”

3) (a) “I’m just your average Chief Justice…”

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