Wednesday, June 11, 8:36 p.m. Officers of The Santa Monica Police Department received a call regarding a troubling incident of an unknown kind, so they sped to the scene, the 2200 block of Stewart Street, in order to find out what was going on. When they arrived they discovered a male victim, of the Latin genus, lying upon the ground with a severe head trauma injury. The officers entered the residence, whereupon they discovered another member of the aforementioned genus. This chap was identified as a suspect in this apparent deadly and life threatening assault, and arrested and booked for attempted homicide.
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Friday, June 12, 12:28 p.m. Officers went to the 1500 block of 12th Street and caught sight of a man in possession of a shopping cart. Now, what’s wrong with that, you may ask? In this instance there was something very wrong with that, because the shopping cart that he was pushing had a sign attached to it, clearly stating that it was an offense to be possessed (the cart, that is, not to be possessed by demons). This man, a Los Angeles resident, was summarily arrested and booked for a Business and Professional Code Violation.
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Friday, June 12, 9:30 p.m. Officers received a report of a strong-arm robbery in the area of Sunset Avenue and Dewey Street, so they decided to go there. When they arrived they learned that two male suspects had asked to use another gentleman’s (the victim’s) cell phone. The victim showed these two men his cell phone, and pointed to them the part of the display that signifies battery power, explaining that there was not enough power to make a phone call. This apparently had absolutely no effect upon these men, because they proceeded to grab the phone and run away, thus revealing the true nature of their intent (that old “can I use your phone” trick). Eventually these two dastardly individuals were located a short distance away. One was from Santa Monica, and the other was a Mar Vista resident. The suspects were arrested, and booked for robbery. Thankfully, the victim’s phone, an Apple i-phone (very cool phone, by the way) was recovered.
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Friday, June 12, 11:42 p.m. Officers were patrolling the area of Third Street Promenade when they observed two females chasing one male. One of the females stopped, and told the officers that the male they were chasing had just grabbed her breast as she walked into a local restaurant (that, by the way, is an assault, as well as being extremely rude, and unwelcome, by any standards). The officers located this man a short distance away, and he was arrested for assault-sexual battery.