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Alert: Police Blotter:

Wednesday, February 10, 1:38 p.m. Officers received a report of a man brandishing a knife at the CVS store, located on the 2500 block of Santa Monica Boulevard, and so sharply arrived to investigate. When they arrived they spoke with the victim, who narrated the story of the event. Apparently, the suspect had yelled at the victim in order to get his attention (coo wee, coo wee, over here, it’s me, coo wee?). The suspect eventually approximated himself to the victim, and at this point the victim observed that the suspect had a knife! At this point, the victim made a point of running away, along with his small son (run son, run!). The victim had thought that this suspect was attempting to lure him to the loading dock, in order to do something untoward. The knife man refused to cut out his harassment, and so then followed the victim to a parking garage, but the victim was by then calling the cops on his cell phone (can you hear me now?). The cops got this “blade runner” a short distance away, and he was arrested for attempted robbery, and the ubiquitous parole violation. Bail: $50K.

Damsel In Distress!

Tuesday, February 9, 11:30 p.m. Officers were driving around Santa Monica when they were stopped by a person who had caught their attention. This witness told the cops that a female was screaming! Officers pricked their ears and also heard a woman screaming. The cops evidently eliminated the possibility of a collective memory-based auditory hallucination, and so followed the sound of the screaming. At the source of the sound of the screaming, they found a man and a woman next to a building. The male told the officers that they were having consensual sexual intercourse; the female contradicted that, and stated that he had raped her. The officers investigated. The guy, a transient, was subsequently arrested for assault causing great bodily injury and attempt to commit oral copulation. His bail is $30,000.00.

Speed Leads To Drunk.

Friday, February 12, 10:40 p.m. Officers were patrolling the 800 block of Broadway when they saw a car that they judged to be speeding. They pulled the guy over, and went to speak to this “Michael Schumacher” emulator. Unlike the real racing driver of that name, this guy appeared to be intoxicated. The cops then instructed him to do a series of harmonious combination or interaction, as of functions of parts examinations, or, in layman’s terms, balance and coordination tests. The test results came in as an unmitigated failure. He was taken in (to jail) for driving while impaired. His bail is $25,000.00.

Tim Broughton

Mirror Contributing Writertim@smmirror.com

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