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The Gang of Five in the U.S. Supreme Court:

For those of you unfamiliar with or who don’t grasp the logic of “The Roberts’ Five” vis a vis the Second Amendment, I offer an explanation:

The first point to realize about The Roberts’ Five – composed of John Roberts, chief justice of the United States, and associate justices Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, Samuel Alito, and Anthony Kennedy – is that it has a greater understanding of the interests of the framers of the constitution than anyone else. These five guys are simply blessed with the ability to divine intention beyond the mundane restrictions of the written word.

Thus, while some liberals, and even some conservatives, and the four other associate justices may choose to focus on the actual words of the Second Amendment, “The Roberts’ Five” transcends such a straight jacket. So even though the Second Amendment provides only collective nouns – “a Militia,” “The State,” and “The People” – The Roberts’ Five knows full well the framers really meant that individuals have the right to own and bear arms, not silly old “well-regulated militias.”

I should have thought this incisive, succinct explanation would suffice. However, some friends have said, “I still don’t get it.” “Get what?” I replied. They said, “I thought Republicans believed in a strict reading of the Constitution – strict as in paying attention to what the words actually say?” Again, I replied, “They do, except when it’s inconvenient, as in Gore vs. Bush or the Second Amendment.”

Besides that, Republicans don’t like the phrase “well-regulated,” it tends to interfere with profits, self-aggrandizement, and, well, free enterprise. So that “well-regulated” part of the amendment must simply be disregarded. You see, it helps when you can pick and choose your constitutional precedents and referents.

I am, however, a little surprised that the Roberts Five hasn’t updated the Second Amendment to meet changing times, so I would like to offer them my help with this draft: “An effectively governed Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, Coast Guard, National Guard, and private mercenary force being necessary to the power of the nation, nevertheless, the right of each individual to own and possess flame throwers, assault weapons, rockets with nuclear warheads, anti-tank guns, grenade launchers, and other unregulated arms shall not be messed with…”

This, I believe, would more accurately reflect the thinking of the The Roberts’ Five court, which – we must all admit – understands far better than all of us the true intentions of the our founding fathers. In fact, I believe that we, the citizens of the United States, should offer our superior jurisprudence to the United Nations and offer the following proposition to add to its charter: “A carefully controlled international nuclear arsenal being necessary to the survival of the Planet, the right of each person to own his or her atomic bomb shall not be interfered with.”

By understanding the deeper intentions of our founding fathers, The Roberts’ Five also gives what is, I am certain, a serendipitous boon to our economy; that is, to the arms industry.

For now, we don’t need to regulate the sales of weapons only to a well-regulated militia; we provide unregulated sales of guns for near-every individual in the country. Just think of the profits and increased security accruing from more than 250,000,000 unregulated hand guns on the streets!

in Opinion
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