Dear Anthea,
I’ve been dating a girl for two months, and it’s going great, but she is an obsessive texter! For example, we spent all of last weekend together. When she went home to her place on Sunday afternoon, she wanted to text back and forth all night, but when I told her I was going to bed early as an excuse not to text her continuously, she got all upset and defensive and asking if everything was okay. A few days ago a similar situation happened when I was busy at work and she sent a handful of messages, then later asking why I wasn’t responding to her straight away. How do I tell her to ease up on texting without upsetting her? – Adam, 27
Hi, Adam!
First, I want to congratulate you for being so connected with the pulse of the relationship to sense that it’s beginning to go in a direction you don’t want. It’s never okay for someone to expect you to be ‘on call’ for them 24/7.
One thing to consider is the current state of your relationship. You say you have been ‘dating’ for two months, does this mean you are in an exclusive relationship?
If you haven’t yet had a conversation about going from casual to exclusive, there might be some confusion here, check out my article on the common mistakes women make in the early stages of a relationship.
Because of this, she might think your relationship is further along than it is. Women value connection and are always looking for evidence that connection is being maintained and increasing, or lessening. She could feel insecure when she senses a threat to the connection.
If you want to take a step forward and become exclusive, now is the time to talk about it.
Let her know that you really like her and want to continue progressing forward. Also, make it clear that you need considerable time alone and for time with your friends.
Many women don’t understand that men, like most people, need personal, private time.
You need to create an agreement of how you will spend the following:
• Time together as a couple
• Time separate and alone
• Time together as a couple with other people
• Time separate with other friends
If there is an imbalance in one of these areas, the relationship will suffer.
Have a discussion about what each of these different types of quality time would provide for you.
For instance you could say something like: “Having time alone to relax and recharge provides me with enough energy to be fully active and attentive in the times when we are together. It also gives me a chance to miss you and remember all of the reasons our relationship is important to me.”
If you are, indeed, in a committed exclusive relationship, it sounds like you are spending lots of significant quality time together. Good job, boyfriend!
A whole weekend should be enough closeness for a normal, healthy woman with her own life.
If, after you take all of these steps and make the effort to make her feel secure and loved in the relationship and she still can’t relax, then this could be a sign of low self-esteem on her part.
Be aware of giving your energy to a black hole. Someone who constantly needs reassurance from you will turn a promising relationship into an emotional drain for you.
Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com.
