Dear Anthea,
I have a real problem with a man in my life. We have been seeing each other on and off for years but he won’t make a commitment of an exclusive relationship. I end up going over to his place and spending the night, I keep thinking things will be different and start progressing but they never do. I can’t seem to end the relationship, he doesn’t call me for weeks but I always end up contacting him. – Yasmin, 41
Hello Yasmin!
Yes I can certainly see the problem and how frustrating this must be! You have to take your power back and end this for good!
The first step is to take a realistic look at what is happening here. Looking at the truth may hurt if you’ve been in denial for a long time. This man has been using you for years, and worse, you have let him. You wanted more from this relationship. Then why didn’t it happen? Did you not tell him what your heart truly desired? And did you accept whatever crumbs he offered you out of fear of losing him?
If someone delivered a free pizza to your house, would you eat it? Sure! Who doesn’t love free pizza? But later if you are asked to pay for that pizza you’d say “Hell no, I never ordered a pizza.” This is what is happening when you give casual non committed sex freely then expect a serious monogamous relationship in return. A commitment is an agreement and a promise between two people.
Please never ever go to his house again to hand deliver a booty call. You are so much better than that. Please do not pick up the phone to call a man who does not care about you and does not treat you with respect, kindness, or consideration. Enough is enough.
This will be tough at fist because you’re addicted to this. This drama, this longing, even the rejection is triggering norepinepherene in your brain that keep you needing him. By being physically intimate your body has produced oxytocin, which makes you believe that he is necessary for your survival. Your body is lying to you. You need a complete cold turkey detox. Stat.
You have to believe that you deserve better treatment than this. No one will ever treat you better than you treat yourself, and you’ve been treating yourself very poorly by giving your time, attention, and body to this man.
It’s not too late to turn this all around. You can get your self-esteem back by choosing to love and care for yourself. Only by doing this will you begin attracting men who are emotionally available and looking for a serious relationship.
Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.
