Dear Anthea,
Recently I’ve noticed unpleasant feelings when I think about dating. I can’t help but be jealous whenever I see happy couples. It seems like all of my friends have boyfriends and I wonder what I’m doing wrong because I’m prettier, smarter, and more successful than all of them. I hate to admit it but I’m angry and jealous. – Samantha, 32
Dear Samantha,
I’m so sorry about this. First I want to say you are doing nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Like you said you are a smart, attractive, and successful woman. You already have everything a man could ever want.
Also I want to congratulate you on being so self aware about your own feelings. You are correctly identifying your own jealousy and taking steps to move past it. That is a big accomplishment and a step in the right direction.
That being said, there are a few things you mentioned are standing out to me as possible reasons that you haven’t attracted the love you want yet.
Your jealousy is the problem, not your beauty. Your energy is registering as animosity and competitiveness. This attitude is unattractive; it is actually repelling your possible partners.
It sounds like you are not very happy for your friends; rather, you are twisting their good fortune to mean something about yourself. It doesn’t. There is no shortage of men in the world; if your friend meets someone it says nothing about your own ability to attract love. But your attitude says everything.
Love is not a competition. What this means is that just because you are beautiful, intelligent, or successful does not mean you ‘deserve’ love. And being prettier, smarter, and more successful will not make it happen sooner. This is setting yourself up for a hamster wheel of unfulfillment.
True love cannot be earned. It is a gift, and gifts are given freely. Therefore no amount of ‘proof’ that you should have love will result in finding a partner. You already deserve love, as does everyone, without having to ever earn it.
Beauty, brains, and success are in the eye of the beholder and it’s all relative:
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” – Dita Von Teese
I bet I can find a dozen men who are looking for someone who is nothing like you. It doesn’t matter. Your ideal partner will love you and only you.
Here’s what to do:
- Put less emphasis on your physicality and accomplishments and focus on making connections. These worldly attributes are actually not what your partner is going to cherish in you. Place your attention on being supportive, interested, and being a good listener.
- Look for evidence to the contrary. Find examples of less accomplished or less intelligent people who are happily in love. Use these to reprogram your mind. It’s everyone’s right to have love no matter who they are.
- Celebrate other people’s love and happiness instead of cursing it. Instead of scowling at happy couples bless them and congratulate them. Start being on love’s team, and not against it.
Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.
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