Editor’s Note: Before taking this story too seriously, reflect on what day it is.
Antony Jacobson used to think he was the unluckiest man around.
He would get lost on his way to work, get stung by a bee or have his car towed for getting back to his car three minutes after his meter expired.
But Friday will be his day to shine.
Jacobson will be honored as Employee of the Year for his work at Renovo Organic Juice and Smoothies. A banquet will take place Friday night at Main Library by owner Sam Challman.
“It’s an honor,” Jacobson said. “I’m not much for words, so I just want to say ‘thank you.'”
On top of a bonus, Jacobson will receive his first day off in nine months and an all-access pass to the Spectrum Athletic Club with celebrity treatment.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 8 a.m. Jacobson combed his distinctive side part into his hair.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 8:11 a.m. Jacobson cooked two slices of French Toast with two sunny-side up eggs and two strips of turkey bacon.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 8:44 a.m. Jacobson took the last strip of bacon and ate it with his hand while placing his plate and empty coffee cup into the sink.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 9:02 a.m. The doorbell rang. A man named Manny was at the door in a black suit and black hat. Jacobson’s limo had arrived. Jacobson removed the toothbrush from his mouth and accidentally spits out “Thank you” and five drips of toothpaste onto Manny’s suit. Jacobson looks down and mumbled “Sorry” with success.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 9:37 a.m. Maria digs her thumbs into Jacobson’s back. He has 18 knots around his shoulder blades.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 10:40 a.m. Jacobson walked into the sauna.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 10:43 a.m. Jacobson walked out of the sauna.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 10:53 a.m. Jacobson’s teeth chattered as he shivered in the swimming pool.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 11:31 a.m. “23 laps. A new record,” Jacobson said as he exited the swimming pool.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 12:35 p.m. Jacobson was served a Prime “Bistro Cut” New York Steak (Pittsburgh rare) at four-star Josie Restaurant.
“Perfect,” Jacobson said. He added that Pittsburgh has all of the flavor of char with the juice of rare “… and the watercress brings that little extra tinge at the end.”
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 12:57 p.m. Jacobson received chocolate bread pudding (for $11) to go with his 1997 Palms d’Or champagne. Jacobson marked “EOY ’11” (Employee of the Year) on the cork and put it in his pocket.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 1:15 p.m. The black book dropped on the table. Jacobson opened it and saw three zeros. Everything was already taken care of.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 2:47 p.m. Jacobson woke up in the back of the limo. Manny had been parked with the air conditioner on outside of Jacobson’s house for an hour and 15 minutes.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 3:16 p.m. Jacobson curled 60 pounds of resistance from his red resistance bands, his shirt soaked under his arms.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 3:39 p.m. Jacobson finished three sets of 15 reps on squats with 130 total pounds in resistance bands. He rehydrated his body with Gu and water.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Jacobson stepped into a cold shower. He switched it to warm after three minutes.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 4:22 p.m. Jacobson finished putting on the pants his gray suit.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 4:51 p.m. The Windsor knot wouldn’t cooperate.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 5:30 p.m. Jacobson got his last laugh at an episode of Family Guy.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:03 p.m. Manny dropped Jacobson off at Main Library. Challman greeted him and introduced him to Mayor Richard Bloom.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:06 p.m. Jacobson grabbed a lobster cake appetizer.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:07 p.m. Jacobson grabbed a glass. Bloom filled it with champagne.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:26 p.m. Jacobson sat at the head table with Challman and Bloom and the other four tables filled with people and their food.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:30 p.m. Bloom asked Jacobson to pass the bottle with the remaining champagne.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:45 p.m. Challman and Jacobson finished their grilled chicken dishes and Challman addressed the room and thanked them for coming.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 6:57 p.m. After a rousing speech from Challman about Jacobson’s dedication to smoothie-making, Challman presented Jacobson with a plaque. “Employee of the Year 2011-Renovo Organic Juice and Smoothies Antony Jacobson 2011” accompanied by a little statement from Challman himself “Thanks for all your hard work-Sam” was on the gold plating. Challman shook Jacobson’s hand to a standing ovation.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 7:10 p.m. Jacobson posed for pictures with Challman and Mayor Bloom.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 7:37 p.m. Manny took Jacobson back to his home.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 7:54 p.m. Jacobson removed his suit and tie.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 8:02 p.m. Jacobson nailed the plaque to the ceiling above his bed.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 8:32 p.m. After a hot shower, Jacobson put on his red plaid pajamas.
UPDATE April 1, 2011 at 8:34 p.m. Jacobson is asleep.