Dear Anthea
I’ve been seeing a great guy for a few months now. I’ve been waiting so long for him to tell me he loves me. Should I tell him first? – Tracy, 28
Hi Tracy!
Great question! Saying I love you for the first time can be a tricky move.
First make sure you are ready for this big step. Sometimes the excitement of a brand new relationship can cloud our judgment. Perhaps you are trying to rush your relationship due to the holidays. Being in love for the holidays sounds like a great idea, but may only be a fantasy.
I will assume that since you are using the big “L” word that you are looking for something serious. Have you discussed your relationship status? Do you know his dating intention and have you shared yours? A man may run at this declaration if he is not yet ready for a serious relationship. You may be on completely different pages.
Think about your level of pursuit in relationships. Are you the first to ask a man out, first to kiss him? Would you be comfortable proposing to a man? If you are always leading the man it may turn him off. Not all men but most men want to be the one making the decisions to move the relationship forward.
Are you masculine, controlling, and domineering? Are you uncomfortable being vulnerable? Not having patience is a sign that you are not able to be comfortable and feminine in the relationship. Vulnerability is a strength of femininity.
There will always be a certain level of the unknown in a relationship, especially one that is new and unconfirmed. Are you trying to push the relationship into the commitment phase before it’s ready? Are you trying to manipulate him by expressing your feelings to him by making him responsible for your feelings?
Love is a wonderful feeling. I’m not saying you should repress your feelings of love or your expression of love for your partner. There are many other ways to show/tell a person how much you care for them. Your kindness, attention, and most of all your respect for their pacing can also show someone you care.
Try saying, “I love spending time with you.” Or, “You make me feel so special.” This a way to express yourself and still be authentic and feminine, not controlling or pushy.
That being said if you’ve been in a relationship for six months or more with someone unwilling to tell you they love you or discuss the status of your relationship chances are they don’t feel the same way. It should flow naturally.
If you’ve been feeling this way for a while then it’s possible that he has been feeling it too. So give him a chance to express his feelings to you when he’s comfortable. Allow it to develop naturally rather than trying to rush things. Showing patience is a way of expressing love too.
Anthea Kerou is a Certified Holistic Health Coach based in Santa Monica specializing in dating coaching. She is available for private coaching sessions, email antheakerou@gmail.com. Alternatively, visit heartfacewellness.com or facebook.com/heartfacewellness for more information.
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